This might be the day that productivity fails me and I forgo a bra. I don’t want to get dressed or go for a walk. I probably wouldn’t even be writing this if I hadn’t made the commitment and if I didn’t know that there were at least one or two of you out there who are bored enough to read it. I read what I wrote yesterday and yeah this blog is terrible. So if you are reading it, I am sorry and I will try to be better but honestly probably not today. This is just what I am doing to keep myself mentally moving forward. I do wonder what book Brene Brown is writing right now. She and the people who are already at the top of their careers, the famous comedians, skilled authors and journalists, the people of our times, they will tell the stories of this time in our history and for that I am jealous. All I have are grand hopes for our collective conscious shift and a fundamental change to our systems and this quarantine blog.
I love logistics. I am fascinated by systems and I loathe that they fail us.
(Long Pause)
(Stare out the window)
Systems are people. That is something I learned in the first half of my Master’s in Public Administration program. Systems are the people who make them up. In us, as a people and a system, I see a blind spot when it comes to patterns and our individual parts in them. Our systems have a hard time helping people. Navigating them as a user feels like playing a game you can’t win, like the Hunger Games. They don’t all fail us, all the time. If I receive the unemployment I was quoted for, that system will work for me. I’m thinking primarily right now our crisis response systems at the local, state and federal levels, of coarse. Who isn’t? And ugh, get me back in school cause the next time something like this happens, and there will be a next time, I want to be in a position to contribute to the response, if not the telling.
I promised to revisit the difference between boredom and loneliness. The other night, though I had gone for a good hike in the foothills and delivered food to people and had just a tip top, gorgeously productive day, when I got home and the sun went down, I felt lonely. I hadn’t felt that in a good while. I felt so lonely I got mad at the people who weren’t here and then I started to think, like I used to all the time, “no one loves me…” As soon as I heard myself say those words I was I knew I was in trouble , that I was going to a place that I did not want to go and then thought, “ah yes, there is food for this.” I knew that I needed to immediately love myself to keep from going down that hole and so I ate a second dinner and then a second dessert and passed out before the endorphins could wear off. Its ok to give yourself what you need when you really need it most. So here is my half-baked theory- loneliness can lead to dangerous places and requires some sort of preferably immediate action, where as boredom is a blessing to be fully given into.
This hoodie has food all over it and smells like b.o.