Its been a full week of last hurrahs, in retrospect. Last Saturday I did a public transportation dive bar pub crawl for Kate’s birthday (see Coronavirus Monday post) and closed out the two shows at Liquid. Each day this week I have felt a little more grateful for that stage time because I suspect that comedy will look very different on the other side of this. That 25 minutes of material I have been working for the past five years, now belongs nowhere. This is the end of that and I think I can only put it to rest because I believe that time in my life and my reflection of it in comedy, was given its due. RIP big labia et. al.
There is going to be a before and an after from here on out, for everything, and we are going to have to figure out a way to embrace, reflect and move forward in new ways. Comics are gong to have to figure out how to make it funny in a way that isn’t tired and hasn’t already been done. Considering there is a COVID Bohemian Rasposdy parody and a disgusting amount of memes on the matter, thats going to be a big challenge. There is no joke we can make about this that hasn’t already been made, unless it relates personally to us and also its going to get really old, if it hasn’t already.
I have been reluctant to admit it because so many people are struggling and will struggle with the isolation and I feel that and I am sorry for the suffering that will be felt by many. I felt so alone for so long in my life, as a kid constantly moving from one family member, facility or foster home to another, always wondering where my mother was, why my father didn’t want me and why no one could love me enough to just take care of me. I felt alone and scared for as long as I could remember and took to adapting to survive and before I could begin to form as a person I forgot I was one. I forgot I felt things because those feeling were way to scary and big for a child to hold. Up until a couple of years ago, after intense trauma treatment therapy and through a couple relationships which only lasted because those people refused to give up on me, I began to get a little relief. In my darkest times I considered ending my life.I didn’t give up and I reached out and people responded and very, very slowly, I got better.
As a society, I think we needed a break. While my close relationships are newly healthy and growing, with boundaries, respect and trust, my relationship with the working world was not. In the non-profit, service industry and comedy scene, I experienced a lot of unhealthy and diseased thinking and relationships and I am glad to have a break from all of that. I have been trying to find a way out for a long time and I plan to use this time to figure out a way to do that for good. Though I do hold out hope that this changes those systems, and that our institutions discover new and better ways to value, support and provide security to people and I hope I can be a part of that.
In the meantime I’m looking to maximize the value of this time. I’m learning new skills and boundaries technology and how to leverage it to facilitate connection. I did a googlemeets with my closet and longest friend who lives in Vermont and was surprised at just how much joy her smiling little baby girl’s face could bring me. She gave me a recipe for savory oatmeal- stay tuned. I am staying in close contact with family who is immune compromised. I saw a small handful of my closest friends this week. We went on bike rides and walks and shared baked goods. All of that (besides googlechats or whatever, is probably on moratorium now as this person or that person one reports contact with someone infected or the start of symptoms. I may get sick and I may know people who get sick, and I am prepared for that but I am not prepared to lose anyone. Theres been lots of checking in and quality time and a real evaluation of what is important. I am sleeping better, eating better and I’m writing. And I am here, on solid ground, should anyone need or want to talk. I’ll keep on posting come Monday, tomorrow is for…?