The new reality that I am confronting is that I might get sick and it might be bad and I might have to take care of myself, and my cats, through it. So I went grocery shopping today, my first time since coronavirus Thursday, (March 12th) and I shopped like it was the end of the world. I just kept putting things in my cart. I think I blacked out because I got home and was like, shit. I spent a frightful amount of money considering there is a “pending issue” with my unemployment and I had to rearrange my cupboards so it would all fit. I justified this with the, very legit, possibility that I could get sick any day, from now until summer, and then potentially into next year, for… a week? or two? or three? I could likely manage from home and recognize when to call an ambulance if I needed, I think… But I imagine it would be difficult to heat up broth or poor myself a cup of orange juice and of coarse I should not go grocery shopping if I felt symptoms at all! So I bought a five pound bag of oranges which I plan to juice and freeze and three roasting chickens which besides eating, I’ll make loads of broth with. I bought a lot of other food too and I admit thats also partly because I am a food stressor. I do feel better now that my cupboards are maximum full, even if I have to store my plates in a less convenience compartment, above the oven.
Hot liquids, vitamin C and alternating doses of Ibuprofen and acetephetomin have been the most consistent home treatment remedies I have heard so far, besides all the normal stuff like hot showers, and staying warm and resting a lot. I bought a very modest amount a generic cold and flu, enough to get 1-2 young healthy people through the worst of the symptoms, and Echinecea Goldenseal tincture that my aunt has been bugging me to get. A while back I impulse bought a National Geographic devoted to herbal remedies and am now reading up on respiratory support, like thyme cough syrup and marshmallow root infusion. I don’t know where to find marshmallow root but… Im feeling prepared and that helps me not feel scared and it also helps me feel like I am doing my part. If there is a critical point here in Boise when lots of us are sick and we are all looking for broth and Tylenol maybe someone else will be able to get what they need then.
When shit was hitting the fan in that second week of March, and my work was losing business but hadn’t yet confronted the possibility of closing, I was interviewed by a reporter from the Idaho Statesman. He asked what I was most worried about and I said, “Being a vector, spreading this to people who could spread it to others who could die.” I don’t think it was what he wanted to hear. I’ve always lacked a certain sense of self-preservation that the majority of humanity, not completely obliterated by their childhood, possess. That’s one reason I wasn’t worried about my finances or about getting sick. The other reason was a lack of understanding of how bad this virus is and how long this recession will be. That gives me a little compassion for the people who are still not grasping the severity; I don’t even know if I am fully grasping it at this point. It is humbling to look back and see how naive or in denial you were at a certain point, but we have all been there. How could we not see an epidemic in China and think, thats gonna be us. Why would it not be?
I’ll move on because I feel like an echo. That is the most disturbing thing about a collective experience of this nature, its includes a total loss of individuality. We are all hearing the same things and coming to similar conclusions and feeling simliar fears and even making the same jokes. My comic mind has only poked its head out at completely inappropriate or unexpected times, for flashes of funny thoughts which I immediately whack down like one of those carnival games, “not right now, Bet Norty!” or “Ugh, been said!”
I haven’t missed stand-up until today. I caught up on the Jackie and Laurie Show, a podcast featuring two women who have both been doing stand-up for, I think 20 plus years each. Listening to them for the past few years has helped me at certain times put stand-up in focus. Laurie was lamenting virtual comedy and said, “if this is stand-up now, I’m out.” I feel that. I have no interest in virtual comedy and I don’t know if that is because I lack imagination and tenacity or because I am embracing the inevitable. Jackie’s attitude is different. She is like, “do the Zoom shows!” She is getting comfort from people online and she said, “maybe this is a side-step, not a step back.” Doing it for the sake of the people who want to do it or want it done, has crossed my mind, as an opportunity opened up here in Boise but I just didn’t want to. I can’t even approach my comedy voice right now. Am I scared of it or maybe I have beaten it into a, “you’re not useful right now so go away,” submission. I am realizing this as I am writing, for me comedy is a softening and with a full cupboard and a plan and some support, maybe I’ll be able to go back into it. I am really starting to miss that part of me, like an old dear friend. I have always so badly wanted things to be different, wanted people to be better, to care more about each other and to create systems that actually work. I so clearly see how the world is choking on a lack of compassion, and I guess I saw an opportunity with this so, I was… energized and even a little excited. But thats a lot of pressure to put on a pandemic and I am feeling a bit exhausted.
