Last Friday’s post took about 4.5 hours to write and through the process I got taste of what its like to write for a living. Kate encouraged me to turn the thought I vent to her about the statement in that article into an opinion piece for the same paper who published it and the one she works at. Once I sent her what I posted on Friday she sent it back with exasperations in her edits. It was about 1,000 words too long to start and I had to make my points clearer, pic a tone and be able to connect to audiences from both working class and white collar jobs. Another two hours flew by that afternoon and I got it down to 600 words. the process was clunky, uncomfortable, awkward. We noted that his was uncharted territory for our friendship and we had jumped in with no briefing or agreements, not unlike most of outdoor adventures.
Writing that piece felt like real work. The day flew by and I felt a sense of relief and gratification to be done with it for the weekend. It hurt my brain to write so furiously. Posting it as a blog first helped me deal with Kate’s feedback. I realized that having this outlet for my voice, in its full, messy, “I don’t owe anyone anything, if you don’t like it don’t read it,” attitude, allows me to relinquish ownership temporarily, at least temporarily. And she’s right, I do tend to write a lot of run on sentences.
On Monday Kate came back with another big round of edits. She was exhaustive about it but since she is always sure to preempt her more challenging human traits with awareness about them, it was bearable. If I had been in a different place in my life, or if Kate and I didn’t already have some trust in each other, I might have reacted differently. I could hear my egos thoughts raise, like hairs on the back of my neck, and breathed easily them through them. “Kill your children,” she said, meaning drafts. As someone who has relied heavily on birth control for the last 15 years, and who has been unable to produce anything remotely publication ready, I can confidently say most of my children were dead before they were born, so I was happy to be at the place of killing them.
Though Kate constantly apologizes for pushing or being forthright in her feedback, and though it can be hard to hear and even humbling at times, it is one of the traits I admire most in her. It’s also something I need in my life. I need encouragement in that way, “like, hey, lets get your stuff out there, lets get you paid to write.” That is not something I have been able to do for myself, and I admit I need help. Since I know that her time is a gift and that she is doing this from a place of care, it makes it easier to accept her feedback without it rocking our friendship boat one bit.
Recognizing a shift like this in relationships also helps me to feel doubly successful about this whole exercise. I have failed so many friendships because I just didn’t know how to do relationships. I didn’t know how to trust or to be vulnerable or give people the benefit of the doubt. Every loss was incredibly painful and would drive me further into the belief that I was unable to unable to love and be loved. Relationally, up until a year or so ago, I was doing a ‘one step forward two steps back dance’ and creating massive casualties a long the way. This doesn’t mean that I just took everything Kate suggested. When she made a change that didn’t feel true to my opinion, I found another way to say what I wanted to. And the end of the day, it was my piece and I knew what was important was that I felt like it represented my voice and my perspective accurately. We worked together, wow what a good feeling that is, and it has been sent it off to the opinion section editor. Kate said he will likely have his own suggestions but if it gets published it will be my first and the whole process has opened my eyes to the reality of writing for a living. Its hard, not like this, which is just about sitting down and getting something out. It makes your brain work, it passes the time quickly, it teaches me how to work with others. As tired and out of it I was on Friday, I found myself deeply satisfied with the work. I found myself thinking I could be happy, if not poor and do this the rest of my life.