isolation

Tofu Bobotie

 As distraction and drama dry up and in the space that remains between chores, projects, talks and shows, there has been a lot more gazing out of windows. I notice in these times, a severely underdeveloped sense of imagination; I struggle to see beyond my own patio, the parking lots that surrounds it, the hills on the horizon. I have begun to crave the kind of stimulation I can only get from seeing outside of what I know and my own little story, which is growing threadbare and frayed in its ability to inspire me. I am craving that feeling you get when you visit a new place or connect with a part of the world or the human experience in a way that opens your eyes like a child in wonder.

Books and food act as a bridge or a priming of the imagination. Books get the muscle working and food is a way to bring something new into your entire being, through every sense. Ive always wanted to learn to cook with more flavor and tradition and take a break from America’s general cultural culinary massacre. Luckily I own a few books on that. Two of them I got at a neighbor’s garage sale a few years ago, for $.25 each. No need to haggle there, her prices were more than fair, plus you can’t go down from.25 cents and maintain any dignity. I was drawn to them first by their size and covers. Hard cover, 8x10s with simple photographs and the titles on the spines. They feature long prose, philosophy, basic recipes and full page photography about the regions of India and the Nine Nations of the Middle East. I started reading the later this morning and I have a feeling I am going to become very intimate with eggplant.

I also own a more straightforward cookbook called Sundays at Moosewood Restaurant, a place of dining in Ithaca, NY which up until the pandemic, had operated for 46 years. This restaurant and the book has earned all sorts of critical acclaim and features healthy, most vegetarian cuisine from all over the world. Someone I’d prefer not to remember, gave me this book and I’d like to think that they never even opened it and that someone had given it to them. I’d like to think they didn’t appreciate it, like they didn’t appreciate our friendship, or the person who gave it to them because they didn’t try any of the recipes and they so easily passed the book on to someone who they didn’t really care about. I’d like to imagine that the person who had ear-marked the pages was an older woman maybe in her late sixties, early seventies. She’s sported a perfect purple bob for a few years now and owns variety of aprons to match her cooking mood. She poured through this book when she needed inspiration, or when she felt lonely and made most if not all of the recipes and folded the corners of her favorite ones. She had friends of friends who owned the restaurant and they would meet and swap tips and secrets and stories of how they fumbled their way through cooking and life.

One of the first regions featured in Sunday’s at Moosewood is South Africa and the first tagged recipe, which the book opened easily to, was Tofu Bobotie. I liked the way it sounded, in title at first but then the recipe too. I like that it put the tofu first. No shame there, just, “this is who I am. I. am. Tofu.” Bobotie? What is a… bobotie? I prefer a phonetic pronunciation of bo-bo-tie but apparently it is pronounced ba-boor-tea. It is typically made with meat, as a means of stretching it, because in many parts of the region meat is a delicacy and so, hence the tofu. This information makes the act of putting tofu first in the title less rebellious, however, as told in Star Wars, Rogue One- “Rebellions are built on hope.” And so is Tofu.

As soon as I added the spices to the onion and garlic saute, I knew that there was no need to hope; it was going to taste good. It smelled amazing- so good you just didn’t want to stop sniffing, like you do when you have a really bad fart of your own- you are proud, intrigued. I made some mistakes in the cooking process, which I forgive myself for. I now give myself total freedom to completely mess up, especially when trying something for the first time. I forgot to take the tofu out of the freezer when it came time to assemble and had to use the microwave to defrost it. Despite that it crumbled just fine, and I discovered a refreshing new method for riding tofu of excess water, as it squeezed effortlessly out and produced dry, almost feta-like crumbles. I didn’t have the right sized pan and so the egg and milk mixture spilled over and ended up at the bottom of my oven. Kate came over for dinner and had managed to come by some mint, so I was able to pair it with the mint cucumber refresher sauce and rice, as suggested. I fell immediately in love with it, before I even took a bite. I ate it for every meal until it was gone.

If I try, I can imagine eating Tofu Bobtie or something different, at the Moosewood Restaurant in upstate New York. I’ll probably deliberate for a while, pouring over the menu on the outdoor patio, biting my fingers at the task of making such a monumental decision. The evening sun is warm but the air is cooling and our server is patient. It is late summer and my lover and I have just returned to civilization after weeks of living on lakes and rivers and traveling by canoe in the Adirondacks. We know no one there but its obvious there are plenty of old friends and acquaintances catching up and we are brought into the folds as we drink white wine until the sun goes down and tell stories of the time we all lived through a pandemic.

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No one is reading and it doesn't matter; I am a writer

Okay, so now I know no one is reading this. You don’t write about your friend dying, then not post the next day and hear nothing if people are actually reading it, but thats ok. Things are constantly changing and today when I sat down to write, I did it, not out of accountability to a readership but because I wanted to and I was called to.

Yesterday, I wasn’t laid up with grief, too sad or tired to write, I just got busy and forgot. Thursday I was out of commission. I grieved hard, cried and cried and wandered, exhausted, around my house in senseless circles. I processed my regrets out loud and I owned up to my failures, too hurt to be embarrassed. By the end I was exhausted but attempting a virtual game of Mindtrap with Sam, as a distraction. It was only the 2nd or third card he had pulled and it had a riddle on it about a person named Ari. Because I don’t believe in coincidences, and because the chances of that happening right them were so small, I knew she had to be behind it. I imagined her laughing fondly wth me, in her casual way when hard things were happening around her, like, “ah man, its gonna be ok you guys, I love you.” It was one of those moments that reinforces my suspicion that there is a spirit and it does live on and that she was sending me a message. She taught me something right then that I will keep personal, between me and her. The lesson and the image I have of her, bold and beautiful and booming with laughter settled into a rightful place in my heart, a resource and inspiration for a long time to come. When I woke up the next morning the pain was dull and already healing.

Today, I listened to a little teaser for a new podcast called “Sugar Calls.” Cheryl Strayed interviews one of her former teachers and writer, George Sanders. He reads a letter he wrote to his students during all this and at the beginning he talks about us keeping record and asks us what stories we will craft out of this time, what personal dramas are going on behind all of our doors. He calls upon us to take record and reminds me of the value of this process- “The world is like a sleeping tiger.. sometimes it wakes up when someone we loves dies or someone breaks our heart or there’s a pandemic.. but this is far from the first time this tiger has come awake… and always there have been writers to observe it… and later make some sort of sense of it or at least bear witness to it. It’s good for the world, for a writer to bear witness and its good for the writer too, especially if she can bear witness with love and humor and despite it all, some fondness for the world. All of this to say, there is still work to be done and now more than ever.” At the end of the podcast, Cheryl says that talking to writers has given her some comfort and so she will keep doing it, and I have to admit, hearing from writers, especially in letter form, has been not only been a comfort for me but another gentle nudge toward a place I’ve known for a long time, but have been too afraid to accept.

One of the things I was regretting in grief was not letting Ari in as a friend. On Thursday, that was heavier on me, I took on full responsibility, as you will in the white-hot fire and raw burn of grief. When we first opened at the karaoke place, and we were forming as a team, I felt the very familiar sense of not belonging and the reticence that comes with it. I recognized it early and I reached out to a few people, was honest about why I was struggling to be myself in our group trainings. They were understanding and that helped. As time went on the problems we faced as a new business over-shadowed any personal discomfort and bonded us in way. Everyone I worked with were such characters, loving, “you do you, live your best life,” kind of people. It was designed like that by the people who hired us. It is part of the business model- to encourage self-expression. I was proud to be a part of it and I felt happy to go to work, most days. But as time went on, there were issues, especially behind the bar, with consistent standards and conflicting expectations. Management lacked the ability to hold us accountable, more concerned with what they called bigger problems. I recognized the fragility of a forming team from my Outward Bound days and I advocated of support in certain areas but was ultimately not heard. The team descended, people started to quit, point fingers, fake it, talk shit. It was all about being liked. Clicks formed and all my issues with belonging came back up. I energetically slammed the door on my co-workers. This is a pattern. I so badly want to belong but it is difficult for me to feel safe in family-like systems, especially when there is a lack of control and alcohol abuse involved. This is THE definition of the service industry and you’d think I would’ve learned a long time ago that these dynamics were not going to work for me. Yet these are the systems I find myself drawn to, out of a sense of well… belonging. They reinforce the patterns of my upbringing and then when I push them away to protect myself, they reinforce the pattern of not belonging. Its like being stuck in one of those mirror rooms you always see in the movies at carnivals or in a maze where you just go back and forth. Comedy is the same way; I am constantly leaning back in any relationship within any group. It just feels incredibly unsafe and it was contributing factor to the distance I put between myself and Ari.

It always, all comes back to belonging. Just ask Brene Brown and her fans. I know that I won’t ever forward in life until I stop being afraid of it. Even “We took to the Woods,” ended on that note. I finished the book over lunch today and in the last chapter Louise writes, “sometimes we may have to figure a little closely to pay the taxes and outfit the kids and put the groceries in for winter; but the things that matter- our feeling of entity, our sense of belonging-are never in danger here.”

Just today, on a long walk I thought, maybe what I need to open up to the possibility of belonging is one, the recognition that I am leaning away and two, then a group where I feel safe to lean in, where I don’t have to fight or wonder. A group that I can trust. If I could find that and feel ok in it, it would be one of my life’s greatest accomplishments. Maybe is starts right here, on my pink desk chair, which I haggled from $30 down to $25, on principle. Maybe thats why my cat Fabs has taken to sitting here either when I am not or on my lap when I am. Maybe its why I have been mostly ok with this isolation thing. At the beginning of the podcast Cheryl says, “This is what we have been training for,” in reference to being told to stay home all day. Maybe I can find a way to belonging through this.

Everyday has it surprises

Winter and Spring are also in a state of war here in Boise, Idaho. From my porch, a procession of trees in peak white blossoms dotted with chirping birds. In the distance the foothills remain a starchy white. It feels like winter. Its cold, too cold for the first day of April in the high desert. Yesterday’s rain edged on sleet and hail, unforgiving and ignoring the boundaries of my patio rails to wet my rug and chair. There is a hosta in a pot that has sprouted small purple horns, like a juvenile male deer or tiny devil children. Its too cold to be out on my patio before nine in the morning but here I sit. I like the shadows on the hills at sunrise and the ruckus the birds make. The white trees remind me of wedding season.

I haven’t felt particularly emotional about any of this until yesterday. Its didn't come about due to some major life event being thwarted like nuptials or prom, rather sadness arose for me in the vegetable section at Winco. A gentleman in his mid to late 50s was stocking boxes of spinach and bagged salad. It was nearing ten in the morning and imagine he was at the end of his early stocking shift. while he worked he kept most of his attention on us, the shoppers. He looked worried, on alert, keeping his stack of boxes and cart between his body and us. He was so full with stress and fear he couldn’t even see me looking at him. I hated that he was having to work, to put himself at risk, while I picked through apples and bananas. Why aren’t older people the ones laid off and all the young unemployed service people called to action? It felt wrong and if I could’ve signed up to trade places with him I would have done it on the spot. There were quite a few older people shopping and slowly wandering the store, which was relatively quiet at that time of day. One older man in a mask kept appearing on the same isle as me.. He seemed in contrast from the man working, unaware of the people around him and unconcerned for space. Rather than pass him, I would just pretend to be I don’t know, taking a long time to decide what soy sauce I was gong to buy. A coulple of times I gently turn my cart and walked slowly in the other direction, not in a way that belied any frustration or annoyance, like I might have before if I was in a hurry and someone was blocking the isle. I think that while we are mandated to give each other six feet of space, it it important to do so from a place of care and concern for each other, rather the than fear or skepticism I have seen a lot of.

Yesterday was a massive, exhausting day. Grocery shopping took the better part of the morning and then there was the dealing with the groceries, which I sort of forgot also takes. How did I used to do this just as an errand in between things? I guess I wasn’t shopping for multiple weeks, preparing to get sick or take care of someone else who could get sick. This was shopping on steroids. Everything is exhausting in a crisis. As I mentioned in a previous blog, rather than make a “to do” list, at the end of each day I make a “done” list. This helps to not pressure myself into productivity, listen to my body and do what feels best in the moment. Lots of advice on the internet says to develop a routine right now and while I think that for some people that may help, it might not help for everyone. Part of me has always resisted a routine and when I try to force my body into it, I just end up stressed and unproductive. I’ve learned that I respond best to lose guidelines and a trust in myself to know what is best. That doesn’t mean that I still don’t exercise even if I am not feeling it, because I know there are somethings I need to do even if I don’t feel like it. I just don’t lock myself into doing them at a certain time, which is how I interpret a routine.

Yesterday I knew I should get outside and go for a walk but after the earthquake, thats right, I said earthquake, I did not feel like walking. My knees had buckled with fear as I gripped my bathroom door jam and the world wobbled and my cats scrambled toward the bedroom. I was shaken and disbelieving and had to call some people and touch my arms and face a lot for reassurance. It was a 6.5 and it made all the old ladies that live around me poke their heads in a temporary suspension from isolation which was actually very comforting. One disaster gives way to another, its only natural. Instead of going for a walk, I poured a gin and lime lacrioux and I danced like I was in a music video montage for a sold half hour. I started a batch broth in the crockpot and finished up my second attempt at homemade rice milk (it was successful!) I made a fresh salad for dinner and warmed up some gifted enchiladas which I ate as I watched the sunset, all pink and gold and grey clouds and the start of a what felt like it would be one of those long slow dusks. I suddenly longed to be out in it and to the city at night, again. I took a walk through our abandoned downtown. Some business still played music, even though they were closed. All the building were empty besides the few who house residents and I looked up and made long eye contact with someone five or six stories up, looking down. A few young men with buffalo wild wings take out bags, hurried up 8th street, normally the busiest part of downtown and probably of the state. It felt like four in the morning, but it was only eight or nine at night. The only other place open was Pie Hole, a pizza place, still serving slices. A young man looked out, slightly hopeful at some movement and then dropped his head as I continued to walk. I made a note to get some pizza there soon and headed home, imagining nights at the club and people gathering again.