Backyard comedy was so fun. When coronavirus quarantine started my first reaction was, “well, guess I am done with comedy!” Any excuse to abandon something I love, right? We all kept our distance, the group had some real good laughers and the birthday honoree, was a top shelf heckler. It felt like work- like real work! Crowd control, in the zone, riff heavy, practically a roast, work. You can’t kick someone out of their own backyard. I was surprised at how easy it was to transition to doing garbage art in a beautiful place. The smell of lilacs and sounds of birds chirping, and even the innocence of children playing with baby chickens in the background, didn’t compromise the affect of Montana’s consensual butt sex jokes one bit.
Yesterday felt like a day of reach, a stretching and holding of contrasts larger than I knew if I could handle. There was great productivity and also great overwhelm. I got books for kids who can’t go to Camp Opp for the first session this year! I felt so full and happy to have brokered that deal but also new worry seeded. Will non-profit egotism and politics getting in the way of this attempt like the last one? It’s incredibly disheartening when that happens and in the back of my mind I fear that camp administrators will rebuke the offer. They don’t know how crushing it is. The other thing I am following through on is an online comedy show fundraiser for Idaho Voices for Children, as my part of the board contribution. All parties are on a-go, including my headliner! But I have to set up a zoom account, figure out how those shows work, set up a ticketing site, make a flyer- Agaan, extremely exciting but overwhelming. Then there is this other project I had started last week, that is a bit of larger in scale and closer to my heart and another process I am unfamiliar with. There is the grad school 3-week summer intensive I will be starting next week. I got a job interview for a 9:30-6:00 M-F, the thought of which is overwhelming in and of itself. Then there are the feelings I have for my skydiving lover, which make my heart overflow, make me want to cry with joy and the next retreat as insecurity and fear of loss come with it. Last night I wanted to cry and dance and sleep and mastrubate- all at the same time. I wanted to take a bath AND a shower. I wanted to be alone and I wanted company. I ate steak AND quinoa. What I am trying to say is, ugh its coronavirus menstruation part three.
Yup. Two periods ago, I was closing the club down on a Saturday night! Last period I was doing this blog and that was it and this period I feel like I am doing everything and why do I do this to myself? It doesn’t all need to get done this week but it sure feels like it. I even put pressure on myself to finish Swing Time this week, but that was how I knew I was just fueling the first of overwhelm, egging it on. Next weeks posts may be a little public policy making heavy and I might cheat and post a couple of my papers. For now I think Ill go for a walk and try to focus on just one thing, just whatever is right in front of me at that moment. This has helped.