Rather than a “to-do list,” I’ve been making “done” lists. I started on Monday, and granted today I do have a lot to do and yesterday I got a little thrown off and so today I did make a to-do list. But for a few days there, it helped to write down all of the things I had done. It gives the days some form and pulls the past into focus.
Is this stuff making it into anyone else dreams? It was probably due to some terrible gas, but last night I dreamed I was at an open mic. There were lots of comics there, some I knew and some I didn’t. It was outside, on a smaller festival stage and light out- not best case conditions for comedy. You want dark so people can feel comfortable laughing and you want a low ceiling so the laughter bounces off the walls and encourages people to laugh more. I realized I wasn’t on the list and I looked at the line of comics getting ready to go on stage and the comics on the audience and I remembered we were all supposed to be social distancing and I got up and left. Ok actually I distinctly remember getting up to leave because I wasn’t on the list and didn’t feel like sitting there. Then I remembered that we were all on a mostly stay at home order here in Idaho, finally. What could this dream mean?! Does it mean I am walking away from comedy or am I just flashing back to Coronavirus Thursday when I felt gross and irresponsible for basically wrestling the mic out of the hands of large, red-headed youth. I knew that none of us should be there at all and I bombed uncomfortably that night; I took a big ‘ole nasty, smelly, loose dukey right there on stage, metaphorically.
Wow, well you never know whats going to come out of you. I woke up, probably due to the uncomfortable feelings in my gut, very early this morning and am delerious with poor digestion and the shadows of sunrise on the foothills. Scratchy and I had one of our morning cuddle sessions, where she lays on my chest and stretches her paws toward my face and languishes in my undivided attention. She lets me rub all over belly and her paws, which she can be finicky about at other times. Its weird to say this, because she is like my child, but it is so intimate its almost sexy. It is a weird morning; I shouldn’t be eating so many beans.
Frustration and sadness and worry are coming through from the people care about and its starting to hit me how much this is going to hurt people. What is most annoying about this stay at home thing now, is that it is coming way too late. I’ve been following the New York Times coverage, particularly the Daily podcast and this episode details why we are going to feel both the economic impacts of this and the physical impacts. Our hospitals are still going to be overrun, people aren’t going to be able to get the help they need AND we are going to lose a lot economically. We should have been doing this two months ago, but it was a China thing. China! Thats so far away! Who could have imagined a progressive city of Seattle with all its public transportation and white people could contract and spread a deadly flu?! In retrospect it is easy to see what our government should have done and it was relief when they finally started to do it, but now its just infuriating that they are turning back around. I am finally feeling enraged at the way the President and our federal government has so failed at this and that our national conversation is now about the value of human life when weighed against the fucking stock market. Seriously fuck Easter, its a shit holiday.
Andrew Cuomo, New York’s Governor, is a warm a cup of tea; he seems to have grasped the severity and his state’s needs and has been steadfast in his advocacy for resources. His live-streamed press conferences are good examples of a leader in public administration and they give me comfort. Aside from the cats, I have very little I am responsible for and I am unsatisfied with that. I am tired of sitting back watching other people fuck up while I blog about my bowel movements. “Shit Blog” added to my done list today.